Dedication

(This post is published as part of the Cous's Thursday blog-off. Look here for Melanie's entry.)

After giving the matter some thought, I've come to the conclusion that dedication to task is a combination of self-discipline and degree of belief in oneself and one's objective.

My ratio of successful accomplishment is considerably worse than marginal. Much of the problem, historically, is no doubt attributable to my mental illness, schizophrenia. Yet my track record hasn't substantially improved during the last year, when medication has obviated the 'fog'.


I am habituated to failure. I have ragged self- discipline and even when I believe in the task, I do not believe in my ability to fulfill. My brain is an instrument structured around the concept of immediate gratification, which means I am particularly weak at accomplishing anything requiring sustained effort. I thought when I overcame alcoholism and drug addiction that would change, but perhaps because of my mental illness it did not.

I am programmed for defeat. I have broken through the subconscious level often enough to have witnessed a destructive array of programs and metaprograms designed to internally undermine my efforts. From a tactical perspective this is the biggest impediment to change. I have to somehow induce a creative response at a level of sustained awareness to catch and deny the autooperation of these failure inducing mechanical programs.

As bleak and seemingly impossible as it seems, for my adult life has been nothing if not an excercise in futility, I do have a couple things in my favor. For one, and in spite of everything, I remain an optimist, a romantic. I may not believe in my abilities carried through, but I do fundamentally believe in myself. Otherwise I would already have given up. I think that at some point I will get this ship's course corrected, and when I do, the difficulty will be of sufficient degree to provide me with a far deeper understanding of my life's purpose, and how to integrate that with furthering the well-being of those around me, as I believe, for all of us, the two are inextricably related.

The other positive is a firm belief in an active involved Creator. Among other things this allows me to see life as a process of becoming. So all of yesterday's mistakes and failures serve to underscore tomorrow's understanding and realization.

I have a task before me that has been beyond my capacity to accomplish these past fifteen years in spite of voluminous efforts. It is a task which will fundamentally change myself and the way I look at the world. I need a miracle. Something along the line of what my higher power provided when I quit drinking. But I don't believe miracles occur in a passive state. Which brings us back to dedication. Over the next month I am rededicating myself to the objective, indeed I am looking at a hyperdedication where every single thing I do, and my intent is to be as active as I can, leads me to the greater goal. I believe the time has come...